Dudes of Lee Street

Ok, so today I came across someone in a No Fear shirt, which prompted a couple of thoughts:

1. Where the hell did they get that shirt?
2. Where the hell can I get that shirt?
3. Why is the retail value on that shirt still $20?
4. What ever happened to seemingly everlasting trends such as No Fear?

Anyways, all of these thoughts really got my brain on a roll, eliciting the following list, the 10 Reasons You Miss the 90s. If you’ve ever finished a sentence with “Psyche!” (Jourdan), ever chanted U-S-A! (Jourdan), ever quoted 3 Ninjas and  Surviving the Game more religiously than many people quote the Bible (Jourdan, and okay, Adam), or defended on countless occasion the continuity errors in Mighty Ducks 3 (Jourdan), then you still have a grasp on the 90s. For the rest of you, I’ve complied a small list of semi-specifics that helped make the 90s the greatest decade in years.

If you are under the age of 18, this list does not apply to you. Get off my internet please.

First, the Honorable Mentions: Street Sharks, Paulie Shore, Goodfellas, Pizza Sticks and Friday School Lunch Pizza Day, Plaid Shirts Unbuttoned to Reveal Undershirt, Slap Bracelets, J’NCOS, FUBU, Laugh Track Comedies (Full House, Step By Step, Family Matters), American Beauty, Vanilla Ice, Jim Carrey’s Career.

Now on to the list…

Miley Cyrus lovers can just go to Hell

10) Britney Spears was still attractive: God forbid I am one to judge phsyical appearance. Looking at myself, I know it’s not really my place. But I believe in this specific case I have earned the right. Pre-2000 Britney Spears led to more awkward alone moments in my room than the few months I got blurry Cinemax accidentally. What happened these past years to Britney (and me, for that matter) is completely beyond my understanding. Thank god for the internet, in all its glory, for whenever I need a throwback moment I can just google image myself back to 1999.

9.1): Really Good NBA players being screwed out of the potential to win an NBA title because of poor timing, aka being around when MJ existed: Despite the fact that mere days into the 90s was the downfall of the greatest human in the history of humans, the 90s had a lot to offer sports-wise. The Chiefs were really good at picking up over-the-hill players and making something of it, but the best sports stories of the decade took place in the NBA and MLB. First and foremost there was Michael Jordan. The most recognizable face in the world. Literally beating out Elvis for that title. (plus easily the most recognizable silouhette in history, sorry Lincoln). But more important than MJ himself was the list of slightly-above-average-NBA-players who never had a chance at winning an NBA title because of Michael Jordan. And beit not for gambling accusations and the baseball coverup, you’d be on this list too Hakeem and Clyde. So here’s the list: Reggie Miller, Shawn Kemp, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Glen Rice, Every Player on NBA Jam for Sega, Stockton and Malone, Charles Barkley, Detlef Schrempf, Tony Danza, Dan Majerle, Chris Mullin, Mitch Richmond, Karl Malone again. Heck, Pippen and Rodman barely got credit for winning an NBA title and they were on Jordan’s team. The most competitive years in NBA history were the two that Jordan was absent for during the Bulls’ run. And now on to the other important sports story from the 90s…

What physical changes? I seriously don't see it.

9.2) The lack of knowledge about steroids, and all the awesome fucking home runs we got to see because of it: I am going to ignore the best baseball player of the 1990s, and who should have gone down as the greatest of all-time, Ken Griffey Junior, because it makes me sad to think about all of the potential that there was. God dammed injuries. His voice will always reign supreme, though. Hi, I’m Ken Griffey Jr. Let’s play baseball! But the 90s gave us the most American baseball of all time. Giant Biceps, long home runs, and everyone loved every second of it. Can anyone honestly say they’d change the McGwire/Sosa Home Run chase for some honest Florida-Marlins-small-ball bullshit? I know I wouldn’t. This is America, not France. So I salute you all, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafael Bettancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Will Cordero, Ken Cminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose Canseco, Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford. Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon, Carl Everett, Harrison Ford, Kyle Farnsworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Optimus Prime, Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez, Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon,, John Rocker, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiis, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Scott Stapp, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez, Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, Jason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams, and Kerry Wood. I will never forget your balls.

The Y2K Scare: Everyone remembers the most hyped New Years since 1000. Bomb Shelters reminiscent of Blast From the Past were being built to protect us from the impending doom. I think this top 10 moment of the 90s may go down as the biggest overreaction of the millennium, as well.

There was no childhood tradition more frustrating than watching some incompetent kids fail at assembling the shrine of the silver monkey.

7) Nickelodeon wasn’t a piece of shit: Nickelodeon once had a simple concept: Put kids in a seemingly dangerous situation, add gak, rinse and repeat. Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards: gak. What Would You Do?: gak. Wild and Crazy Kids… and gak. It was a flawless method. Plus their seemingly invincible lineup of Hey Dude, Pete and Pete, Salute Your Shorts, Family Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Global GUTS can’t even be rivaled by NBC’s current Thursday Night Comedy Lineup. All That, Kenan and Kel… where art thou? All of your cartoons, where? Nickelodeon, we hardly knew thee.

6) Whoopie for the block: Hollywood Squares gave a generation of weren’t-famous-enough-to-be-has-been celebrities a second chance. If it weren’t for Hollywood Squares, Gilbert Godfrey may have dissolved into celebrity oblivion, but instead, he is now the loveable voice of Afflac! You’re welcome, world. Bruce Vilanch once a week? Yes please. Squares filled the beating a dead horse one-liners fix that every American needs.

“Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?”

“Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.”

Pure Gold.

5) Portable Electronic Pets: Nothing says to your child: “I don’t trust you with another living creature, not after the “hugging too hard” incident that killed Fluffy.” like a nice Tamogatchi. Thanks, Mom! I really wanted a Lost World themed baby T-Rex.

The tension was palpable.

4) Who Shot Mr. Burns?: The greatest show in the history of television gave us the greatest cliffhanged in just the same. Screw Fonzie jumping over the shark on skis. Never have families crowded around there televisions with more anticipation, more hope, more love, more TV Dinners than the over-two-seasons-special about who shot Mr. Burns. My personal guess was Groundskeeper Willie. You could win a million dollars if you guessed it right. I’m not going to spoil it for those of you that have missed it and are now motivated to go watch,  but Maggie shot him.

3) POGS:Marketing meeting for Pogs:

“Ok, Jim, what do kids like?”

“Well Mike, my kid just plays with the cardboard box that his toys come in.”

“How about we cut up the box into little pieces and sell that shit. What’s your kid named?”

“My son is named Pog.”

“We’ll name it after him, then.”

2: Getting Pissed when your TY tag got ripped off a beanie baby: Beanie Babies tops the list of things that you collected with false hopes of some day selling for tons of money but are in fact, worthless. They just beat out State Quarters, Pokemon Cards, and 1988 Buick LeSabres. There was a Beanie Baby for everything. Has there ever been a more profitable death than that of Princess Diana? I feel like that’s probably how she would have wanted to be remembered: I contriversial death and enshrined as a purple bear with absolutley no resemblance or ties to the monarchy. I’m still surprised McDonald’s didn’t try and profit with a Jon-Benet Ramsay teenie-beenie baby. Complete with Ransom Note Tag:

The tag on your Collector's Edition Jon-Benet Ramsay Teenie Beenie Baby

1) OJ was innocent: Forget the recent makeup call, OJ Simpson’s innocence was the best part of the 1990s, even sparking me to have a new favorite car. If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit. And if you do acquit, I will get high as hell and talk about how I would have done it to some guy in an elevator in Las Vegas, ironically the same place where I will be convicted for a different crime later in life. It was this phrase that got OJ off the hook. OJ narrowly missed our list for Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult. It was essentially a coin flip between the two for the number one overall spot. I can’t even drink orange juice without snickering now. Thanks Juice, you’re the man.

Well that concludes my list. Thanks for reading!

Love,

Kyle.